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Friday, June 8th, 2007

Subject:squak
Time:11:25 pm.
Commercial rap is the new communist dream. Or more accurately, the content of the commercial rap corresponds directly with the dreams of the proletariat who were generally associated with the communist party. In reality, the majority of communist party leaders were propagandists and politicians. The “people” they claimed to represent weren’t so terribly interested in total equality, and societal bliss as they were concerned with not starving and elevating their standard of living. Their rejection of the capitalist system was a rejection of a system that clearly favored a different group of people. In this regard, contemporary commercial rap reflects the dreams of the afore mentioned proletariat. The common theme of these songs is rising up from the streets and taking one’s own share of the pie. It is a dream of a better life through the cultural filter of a different age and culture, but it is basically the same dream.
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Thursday, May 31st, 2007

Time:7:25 pm.
I bought a motorcycle. Now my transition to badd ass (bad being spelled with two "d"s in this case) in complete. Or more like the gas mileage is great.
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Monday, May 14th, 2007

Subject:Congraduations!
Time:2:42 am.
Yo estoy muy triste! I just fucking graduated college. I am a college graduate. How miserable. Okay, so maybe it's not so bad, but I do feel a little down that I won't be starting my masters program in the fall. In fact, I have a whole year to commiserate the absence of a higher learning institution. The day itself went well. My cousin bought me a lovely new hat...yes I am finally trying to expand the collection beyond the two I previously wore on nearly constant basis. My parents gave me about a gazillion times more money than I expected, (which was unfortunately given with the age-old "spend wisely" stipulation, and an added something about buying a suit for interviews or some such). All this is a little disappointing considering how I really want to spend the money immediately on buying fun toys like an acoustic amp or a motorcycle. (p.s. I realize the motorcycle theme is more than a little played out, but the economy of 90 miles per gallon helps me think I might get over it eventually.) My grandmother, in typical grandmother style, gave me a card and a huge fucking stuffed red demon bulldog. She told me that she had won the thing at the fair and instantly thought that it would go perfectly in my house. Two problems with this: (1) my grandmother had never been to my house before my graduation party on Saturday, (2) I'm pretty sure I recognized that stuffed animal from a corner in her livingroom where it had been perched for approximately a year now. Hmmmm, I wonder if perhaps she was on her way out the door and thought...nope, I really can't imagine what she was thinking. (This gift is only surpassed by the time she gave me a burned copy of Brooks and Dunn's Stears and Stripes album, particularly when modern country is the only style of music I simply never listen to).

The day, as a whole, went very well. The ceremony was...a little disappointing. Basically, in the history of name fuck ups, mine was the absolute worst. Not only did they mess up all three of my names, but they didn't even get the gender down. Now, you all know I have short hair and side burns which, though not always, often signifies someone to be of a male sex. When I stepped on stage, however, the name read sounded something like "patricia hershelle braas". Not that could have known from my outward expression, but I was more angry at that moment than I have been in years. But I took the folder with no diploma in it, and sat back down, then left to find my parents hadn't even stayed to congratulate me, but had gone back to my house to relax or something. I was pretty fed up with the entire situation by that point, so I played angry music way too loud in my car, and drove too fast, and went to buy my mom a Mother's Day card. (I know that last part doesn't seem to fit, but I always have seemed to be comprised of a system of paradoxes.)

So now what? I think I'll stay around Columbia for awhile, work, pursue music. All of that. My best friend, Chelsea, is coming back from Spain in June, and I terribly excited to see her for the first time in almost a year, and then...the world I guess. Fuck, I don't know. I will get my masters, it is just a matter of where I suppose. Even though this little money making detour is completely scheduled, I still feel as though I am taking the easy way out somehow. I will be doing alot of things I really want to do, but I still feel like I am somehow falling short of my potential. I hate that feeling. I will say, however, life is good, and don't ever let me tell you different.
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Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

Subject:So...so what?
Time:11:35 pm.
So, alot has happened this week so far. I won't even bother getting into it all, but an overall summary should suffice. Let me see. Monday I had band practice and then went to see the Tapes N' Tapes concert which was really fun. I particularly like the opening band Harlem Shakes. Basically I liked everything about the concert except the lead singers mullet, which I found surprising and disturbing. (Yes, I was disturbed, and not in a "Come on get down with the sickness kind of way".) Then, today I went after class to hang out with some friends for a bit, then went and got almost five hours worth of tattooing done and then went to the Old Crow Medicine Show concert. Okay, about the tattoo: It turned out to be amazing. I love it. I have to say I can't wait for everyone to see it, while at the same time having that sort of dual impulse to not show anyone and then feel a little less pretenscious by letting it be viewed naturally. Basically, I am bundle of confused emotions. more later
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Sunday, April 8th, 2007

Subject:Upon further introspection
Time:4:24 am.
Mood: mellow.
To be perfectly honest, I'm a little lonely these days, which makes me susceptible. I'm trying to be careful, because the last thing I want to do is settle, that never ends well, but at the same time I do feel that I am starting to be ready to meet someone I could have an actual relationship with; not so much someone to settle down with, but more someone who will always push me onward and upward so to speak. Someone with whom I can experience life, not with whom I can pass life. Still, as much as I want to just bide my time and let things come as they may, I can't help thinking how wonderful it would be to have someone to sleep in my bed...just someone to wake up next to. That's the truth.
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Subject:Why am I awake at four o'clock?
Time:4:01 am.
Mood: indifferent.
I have to wake up in four hours, and here I am, listening to the Distillers, wide awake? Despite the fact that I will be moving out of this lovely home of mine into a new one in July, I decided to decorate my walls today, and put up basically all the decorative "truc" I have at my disposal. I think I have a few more pieces, but from this point on I am at least building on something rather than starting from nothing.

My roommated just started dating a girl who, up until the day she came over, he referred to as "the girl who wants it". In honor of this completely flattering title, I continue to call her that behind her back. Of course, the fact that I don't think I have ever got her actual name might be a factor as well.

So, my bassist decided just the other day to leave Missouri and transfer to the Berkeley School of Music in Boston next year, so after this semester I guess Blevins? is going to undergo something of a cosmetic surgery. I had someone in mind to take her place, but speaking to a mutual friend of ours, I discovered that he might, in fact, be crazy. Oh well, we will have to see I guess. Still, if we do have someone to take her place, we have an opening at a local music festival this summer, and it would free us up to try out for the Battle of the Bands to get to play at the Warped Tour this summer. No promises towards that, to be sure, but one must always reach for the stars, right? I think I have spent too much time reaching for my toes recently.

I think I left the coffee pot on...perhaps I should do something about that.
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Friday, April 6th, 2007

Subject:I Put It To You
Time:1:18 am.
Mood:????.
I am so terribly, terribly excited. 1000 hits on our myspace site. I know that shouldn't really be that exciting, but I admit I have actually been counting down the days. Now we're nearly ready to take over the world.

I have to admit to being very excited, also, about the fact that we not only made it into the Mizzou Battle of the Bands, but we placed second. That means that according to the Mizzou Student Music Committee, we are officially the second best band in the University of Missouri system. The first band, of course, I basically disregard because no one particularly seemed to enjoy their performance. The enigmatic figures perched high up in the balcony all bathed in shadows handed down a few somewhat troubling and all together confusing rulings. Oh well, I am happy with the turn out. I was just there to have fun anyway.

I decided to start making my own clothes today. I think I can do it too...I'm pretty sure at least.

I have had a bad taste in my mouth for a few weeks now; I'm starting to think it is my life.
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Thursday, March 29th, 2007

Subject:Should I?
Time:3:12 am.
There is something I have written in a moment of introspection; a sort of self evaluation of sorts, a real baring of the soul. Parts of me want to post it and see what kind of response I get from...anyone really, but this is no casual commentary. Do I post it? What are the implications? Some things are better left unsaid, after all. This the quandry with which I present myself: to what extent do I let others in, the truth can be a scary thing, and...is that what I really want, or am I better off dreaming?
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Subject:Tattoos and blue's clues
Time:12:05 am.
Mood:introspective.
So, basically spring break rocks my world. I had to work today at six o'clock, but I went in at 12:30 and tattooed nearly straight until 5:30. At the end of the afternoon I had a nearly completed half sleeve with some Ralph Steadman, some Degas, post modernism, Byzantine art, art deco, and influences by Frank Lloyd Wright and those late 1800s french advertisements, plus the Beatles, of course them too. Two more weeks and it will be completely done. My favorite part so far has to be the byzantine depiction of the virgin mary holding the baby jesus (with a neck tattoo of a heart that says "mom") I just couldn't resist. Actually, just thinking about it makes me laugh. Am I a bad person?

I finally bought "Love Me If You Dare". I made my roommate (who loves hardcore music and Dungeons and Dragons) watch both that and "Secretary". Needless to say he was a little disturbed, but in a positive way I think. Sometimes it is nice to be forced to do those things we find suspect.

Okay, having Encore is messing me up. I usually stop to watch whichever foreign movies are playing, and as a result, I just watched some guy masterbate his girlfriend in the bathtub with his toe (or at least, such actions were alluded to).

Ah, I'm graduating in May, and then what? I told myself I would take some time to work, make a little money and pursue the band as much as possible, see how far I could take it. And yet, I can't help thinking that I should be doing more, more of something, who knows what though. So now, here I am, sitting here, in this moment, gripped by an intense restlessness, like everything I am supposed to be grasping is slipping through my fingers. I don't really know if this dissatisfaction is a result of my current lifestyle, an imagined lack of direction, a lack of "someone special", I don't know, but I find calm satisfaction difficult to come by these days. Sadly, I know I am looking for something, but I simply don't know what.

Not to leave this on a sour note, however; I have been making more friends than I have made in a long time; really genuinely good people. I feel honored in that respect. I don't know, I have such dreams for myself. I only hope I can live up to them.
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Thursday, March 1st, 2007

Subject:Hmmmmm....
Time:12:51 am.
As exhausted as I am right now, I still feel compelled to stay up and watch the storm arrive. I have a feeling the thunder would be particularly thrilling over a cup of coffee, and the wind would be especially refreshing blowing in through the window. But I have an early class tomorrow and I can't afford to fall asleep in class two days in a row, or can I?
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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

Subject:Pounds and pounds
Time:11:22 am.
Mood: tired.
Maybe it's Karma. I suppose it could be, but really, why? Why is it that every time I try to play a concert or hold a party there is a huge fucking snow or ice storm. Could someone please enlighten me? It was thirty some degrees on Monday, and then, all of a sudden, three inches of snow. How lovely. Luckily I suppose people will be going out for Valentine's Day anyway. Perhaps they'll still come....? Oh well, I'm sure everything will work out for the best. It usually seems to...eventually.
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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Subject:Quoi?
Time:11:48 am.
Mood: indifferent.
You ever notice how even comedians strike pensive poses when having pictures taken of them or photo shoots run? What's up with that? It seems sort of antiproductive. It's like they're trying to say, "Okay, I'm here to make you laugh, but really I want you to take me seriously". Like I said, I just don't get it.
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Sunday, January 21st, 2007

Subject:?
Time:5:58 pm.
So, I've been thinking about this recently. Did you ever notice that all the characters in Whinny the Pooh have severe mental issues? For instance, Pooh shows clear signs of autism in his one minded pursuit of honey, Owl clearly has a Messiah complex, Tiger has ADHD, Eyor (However that is spelled) is the easiest to discern with his obvious depression, Rabbit is OCD, Piglet is paranoid and even perhaps the little man syndrome, Christopher Robin is schizophrenic (sp) because he spends his days talking to stuffed animals, the gopher is antisocial, and Roo and his mother are Oedipal (which is clearly illustrated by his constant hopping into his mothers pouch. Clearly he has never been weened from the womb properly. Thinking about it, all these psychological issues that plague all the characters are probably what helps the Pooh maintain his pertinence in our modern society. In fact, the Pooh and his friends probably represent reality more than any other cartoon ever, and the fact that all these characters with their flaws intact are all a figment of Christopher Robins' imagination suggests that they are a mirror or how he views the world. If you think about it, this cartoon really is a pretty strong social statements. Anyway, just a thought for those interested few.
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Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

Subject:What an incredible week!
Time:8:59 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Where do I begin? So much has happened in the span of seven days. Well, I might as well start with last Tuesday, as I trudged through the snow slickened by-ways of the University of Missouri campus. This was my last final of the week and, as such, was completely laden down with books to sell back, of course awkwardly stacked. Also, I had the heaviest fucking messenger bag of all time completely packed with my laptop, books, notes, papers, and basically every assortment of anything known to man. I was making my way through the double doors and down the tiled stairs, and as I felt out each step I thought to myself, "These steps are really slippery. They really should have something more substantial by the doors to wipe my feet on." And, in like fashion with any classic base commedy, my feet flew from beneath me and I went crashing the the floor. Despite having worn a rather thick coat and long sleeved shirt, my arm was still impressively battered and scraped down nearly the entire length.

Okay, next: Wednesday I knew Ruth was coming home and was having a welcome home party to which I was invited. At the end of my work day, however, I was still unsure where to go, or even how to get to her home town (which I will not divulge in order to protect the innocent). So I headed home to shower and such. Upon my arrival home I saw all my papers, books, etc. which had been in my messenger bag the day before scattered headlessly across my livingroom floor. I was tired so my first thought was that Jared, my new roommate, had accidently tipped it on his way to work and didn't have time to clean up his mess, which he rarely does anyway. So I ignored it for the time being and went on to the bathroom. Feeling somewhat relieved, if not still irritated, I went into my room to change when I stumbled upon the most disastrous scene yet. My bed had been completely over-turned and my entire room was in shambles. I went into the kitchen to investigate further and found the back door kicked in. Apparently, someone had forced their way into my home and stolen, pretty much all of my valuable possessions. Two things for which to be thankful. One, they didn't take any of my musical equipment as a result of its size and overall amount; and two, even though the knocked over the garbage can when they kicked in the door, they had the decency to pick it back up and set it to the side. What nice guys!

Okay, then on Sunday Molly came over to see me. Just for fun we painted portraits of each other and I cooked dinner afterwards. She went on to work while I wrote a new song about the soothing pleasures of coffee and nicotene. Around nine (only four hours later) she came back over and seemed, tense? standoffish? cold? (all of the above). I played her my song, and she told me it was good, and I responded by asking her what was up. I then precluded the following events by saying, "You're not breaking up with me are you? Because that would be hilarious." Long story...less long, she was. I was consoled by the fact that she had never, and probably would never again, have a boyfriend who treated her a good as I did. Now, I realize that sounds pretentious, but I feel I honestly did everything that could possibly have been expected of me and far more. I won't go into details, but the fact that she left me for her old boy friend basically confirms this suspicion I have been having that a sad majority of girls are far too prone to attach themselves to guys who treat them like shit. And while they proclaim to prefer nice guys who have something valid to offer, really they are bound to something they can't have. How sad, for all of us.

But that's not all. I have one more little morsel. Today, I get a phone call from my bassist who is vacationing at her home city of Cinncinatti. She called me up, basically just to tell me that she probably will not be returning to Mizzou next semester, and all the dynamic we have been building as a trio is now sort of void. My band has a performance on the 29th of January and all of a sudden I find myself looking for a bassist to help inspire and complete my sound. This last, possibly is the most devistating blow.

Over all, I would say I have had a pretty eventful week. This is really just a superficial look at all the events which took place during this period and I really just don't have the time or energy to try and record everything. Suffice it to say that, though everything that has happened has been wholly negative and seemingly designed to wrend me assunder, I still feel that though things might not always work out the way I want them to, they will always work out somehow. I know everthing will be okay, perhaps not grand, but okay. So, other than that, have a great vacation everyone, and hopefully the next time I post will by on my new laptop. (Fingers crossed, wood knocked, Buddhan belly rubbed, etc.)
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Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

Subject:Look everyone. It has been awhile.
Time:11:07 am.
Mood:?.
Okay, there is some kind of box blocking half my screen, so I may have a few spelling errors. Those of you who have seen my girl friend Molly you will probably note that she is blond, and has blue eyes. I certainly do admit that I never really expected to date a blond, never really wanted to, but here we have a special case. Never the less, I did, at one point, have to bring to her attentioin that, by our dating we were perpetuating the Arian race and, by by our dating, Hitler wins, and was she fine with that. Quite the predicament. Oh well, I suppose we all have our own crosses to bear.

My band played at the Blue Fugue on Wednesday. I can't believe how well it went. Everyone there seemed to really enjoy themselves, and we were actually paid to play. Can you believe it? We were payed to play! Even more, one of the other bands, Los Locomotives, asked us to play a show with them sometime. Then, the owner of the bar told us we would be added to the regular rotation of bands playing at the Blue Fugue. Yeah, it went really well. I feel like we might actually create something of a following here. Now, this may not seem like much of a big deal, but the idea that people might take an interest in my music, and even to the point that they would pay to see me play? This, truly, is a mind blowing development. For the first time I have some confidence in the music I am creating, and feel like something could happen with it. These are revolutionary ideas.

Next, I graduate in one semester. In May, I will have my bachelor's degree in International Studies; after which I will be....Dear God, what am I doing after I graduate? I know where I want to end up, but how to get there? Where should I get my masters, who do I talk to, why do I feel so fucked? Well, if nothing else, for the time being life is a little easier for having a roommate to help with the bills. I was cutting it really close this month. I suppose aside from where I should pursue my master's degree, my most earth shaking question is whether or not I should purchase Punch Drunk Love for 5.99 used. Yeah, I'm getting on okay here.
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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

Subject:?
Time:7:12 pm.
Mood:Hungry.
Okay, here is what I was thinking about the other day. You know the word coma? That is, of course, short for comatose. Why is it we, as human beings, feel the need to make cute little code words even for horrible things. LOL, ROFL, Coma, you know, all that business. Well, I was just thinking about that.

My band recorded our cd this past weekend. I feel very happy with it. If any one here would like to hear some of it, one of the songs (Cut My Losses) is up on my band's myspace page. myspace.com/blevinsrocks If that doesn't work, try it without the s on the end.
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Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

Subject:I met someone
Time:11:30 am.
Mood: content.
I have been single since August. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it was certainly the longest period of time I spent outside the comforting environs of someone or another's arms. It was nice because it forced me to think about some of the things one so often blocks out when in a relationship. I have relived some moments of my past I had nearly forgotten, I've grasped some new concepts, and...in the end...was okay being alone.

And then, last Friday I was invited by a friend to "go drinking". I didn't particularly feel like being at home on a Friday night so I accepted his kind invitation. I got there and it was about six guys, half of whom were gay, and no particular plans beyond watching tv and, perhaps, playing Edward 40 Hands. So we went to a friends house and began drinking, casually; I was in no hurry to get wasted. Then, one of the guys called his friend from work named Molly. She has lived here for a year or so, but hadn't made many friends, so he gave her one of those pity calls. She arrived, and was clearly out of her element, but I made my best efforts to assure her I was in a similar position knowing only one of the group. It wasn't long, however, before the owners of the house decided they didn't want people drinking in their house, no matter how respectful or quiet they may have been. Luckily, I have a house to myself, so I suggested the party move there. Long story short, I got somewhat drunk, but I was certainly aware enough to notice when we had our arms around each other, or when she started scratching my back. By the end of the night all the other people there were betting on whether or not we would be all over each other as soon as everyone left. We weren't. She stayed and watched some of an Audrey Tautou movie, and she left. On Monday I discovered that probably some of the reason why had to do with the fact that she had a boyfriend...oops. But then on Tuesday we finished the movie anyway and stayed up drinking coffee and talking until 1:30 in the morning. And then on Thursday, as it was her birthday, she came to my band practise, and then we got ice cream, and walked around down town, and watched a movie, and then...slowly through the progression of the movie, and yet somehow abruptly it seemed, we were holding hands. As the movie ended I looked at her and said, "It seems I have put you in something of a perdicament, huh."
"Yeah...."
"It's just that, we spent five and a half hours together the other night and when you left I wasn't ready for you to go....And then, to make matters worse, I would kind of like to kiss you right now." She smiled, but said nothing. "So...what are you going to do?"
"I don't know." So I hugged her for a long time, and then we kissed, a lot.

Long story short, she broke up with her boyfriend last weekend and now I suppose we are seeing each other...what ever that means. Either way, it has been a long time since I have spent that much time with a girl and not been ready for her to go after awhile.

Still, I should probably at least attempt to justify my actions. This is not something I do. I don't steal girls away from boyfriends. How this all came to pass, I really can't even say beyond recording the events which took place. The underlying context, however, is beyond me. That isn't terribly good justification, except that it really isn't something I do often.



My band records our cd this weekend. I write this because this glad news because it is bursting out of me. We have a completely different sound than I used to play. I suspect the new cd versus the old would be barely comparable. Think of: a mixture of 1950s country swing (Bob Wills), bluegrass, and punk rock. A sort of Old Crow Medicine Show meets Old 97s meet the Throwing Muses meets Flogging Molly, or Rancid, or Louis XIV. Oh, but these are exciting times.

P.S. I made a lamp out of an umbrella last weekend.
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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

Subject:Better today than forever.
Time:3:57 pm.
Mood:Ambiguous.
Listen here people! I want to inject botchelism into my face so I can look just like Cher. Wouldn't that be cool? Okay, seriously, all these people who think Botox is a good idea is seriously injecting one of the worst and most disgusting sounding diseases of all time into their face thinking it will make them look better. Now, with the possible exception of Cher, that is never the case. What are they thinking? Honestly, those cold serene masks are so creepy. They give me those emotionless face stabbing kind of nightmares, burrrr-r-r begins to shiver uncontrollably).

Also, I was in the guys bathroom the other day and started thinking (normally this would be a fairly ominous way to begin a sentence, but just keep reading), all men's public restrooms are distinct in the fact that they all have urinals adorning one wall. Why don't girl's bathrooms have anything cool which is entirely distinct to them? I am not trying to suggest precisely what they should have, I really don't know much about the subject, but don't you think it is unfair that boys get all these cool things to decorate their bathroom and to pee in, whilst girls are confined to the same old drudgery every time? I mean, come on....

The other thing I was thinking about was...you know those movies containing characters with unusual physical features, such as a huge nose, or being excessively obese, and we think to ourselves, "that make up job is not at all real to life"? But consider, please, how many times a day do you see someone and think, "there is no possible way that person actually exists in the form in which I currently see them?" That happens to me all the time. For instance, while I was in the bathroom preparing to wash my hands (as I always do after entering a public restroom) and all of a sudden a rather large man exited one of the stalls and, you know those plastic balls you buy at Walmart for small children which are all sorts of lovely colors and approximately a foot in diameter, well he had one of those in his pants, and I just thought, "really?...."

Which reminds me of another bathroom thought I had awhile ago which I hope I have not already shared with you. (By the way, the bathroom is a great place to think, even if you are only in there for moments at a time. I suppose it is just the serene nature of the places. I mean, honestly, where do you find that much porcelain anywhere anymore? Someday, future anthropologists will positively identify these places as public shrines in each building and come to the conclusion that we were an incredibly devout people.) Anyway, I was thinking that a bathroom would be a great place to hold someone up. You just walk into a mostly empty bathroom while some one is in front of the urinal and say, "Don't move! I have a gun at your back." Then you simply take their wallet and run off. Seriously, what are they going to do? If they turn around, not only do they risk pissing all over themselves, but they also will be exposing themselves to another. Their hands are already predisposed by holding their phallus. The shock of the fact that they are being robbed while their pants are open should dumbfound them long enough for one to make off with their wallet, and by the time they would be able to shake, zip up, and pursue, you would be long gone. What a great idea! Sadly, my morals prohibit me from petty theft.

Okay, last thought. I am a Christian, or rather, I believe in God, Jesus, and that he created the Earth and such. It occurs to me that it has become a really popular thing to be an Atheist recently, and in particular amongst the middle school and high school age...often kids who really don't know who they are or what they think yet. I was thinking about about just how that may have occurred, and I think I have a hypothesis. I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow a very strange idea has permeated our culture, which has been propagated by the Bush Administration, but not created by it. Particularly during the last election, people voted in accordance with their moral strictures rather than on an economic or political scale. It seems, somehow, the idea became that for one to be morally correct they must be a Christian (which became apparent by the candidates' strong claims towards their faith. It was like a contest to see who was more devout.) And even more than that, if they were a good person, which meant they were a Christian, it followed that they were a conservative, (because, apparently, you cannot be a liberal Christian). Then, to go even further, if you were all those things previously stated, which you had to be if you had a kind and honest heart and were generally a good person, then you must also, therefore, be a Republican. How did the American people make that connection, and/or who made it for them? Clearly, none of this is true. And yet, millions of people voted under some false sense of moral obligation whilst completely disregarding the fact that whether they voted Democrat or republican neither homosexual marriage or abortion legislation was going to see any change what-so-ever. It was only the things that took a back seat in the elections, like immigration, stem cell research, international policy, and personal rights in general would suffer. I know it was obvious, but why didn't anyone seem to pay attention? And here's a worse thought. Those ideas haven't changed recently, which is a large part of why, for many young people, if you don't agree with the current administration, or you are against the war, or you have friends who are gay, then you are automatically against God. It is like the new form of rebellion. But that isn't what I meant when I said "a worse thought", I was talking about the fact that all these same old ridiculous notions are going to affect the next election, and can we hope to get a better candidate when both democrats and republicans are so preoccupied with all that meaningless prejudice? I rather doubt it.

Okay, I am very excited, and this is my last thought for the day, because my band should be playing an open mic night at the Blue Fugue on Monday around 9:00. It will be our first show as a complete entity and I feel as though the possibility of us getting a positive reaction is very good. Also, we record in three weeks, so we will be able to start sending out demos and such to radio stations and venues. Hopefully Blevins? shows will start popping up all over the place, and soon. Wish me luck.
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Sunday, October 15th, 2006

Subject:more.
Time:10:31 pm.
Mood:Disturbed, deeply.
I want to write a new play representative of the fairy tales where the prince charming is replaced by a bull dyke. Or basically, all the roles typically filled by a prince charming will be very effectively taken by a very strong, yet sensitive woman.
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Subject:Heaven and the bad day
Time:2:19 pm.
The world is driven by sex-Shannon Tweed.

I've spent the last two weeks in a haze. I am trying to...establish a distinct reproach of my past eleven months. I have been drunk in a strangers house, I have walked an hour to excape an old romance and dance to eigties classics for an hour and a half, and I have driven hours just to get out of town. What if I said, I have been appalled at myself recently. What if I said, I need to make a change. Last Saturday I was at a party at a friend's house, and was drinking a bit. I would say I was...tipsy (ouai, j'ai eu une boite dans la nez). I was actually having a pretty decent time when all of a sudden, who should come to the door, but my ex-girlfriend. She came in and made it explicitly clear, immediately, that she was very interested in getting back together with me, and furthermore, basically wanted to jump my bones. (p.s. if you are reading this, stop now). I was standing in the kitchen just talking, leaning against the counter casually, but still stuck in the corner. She came and stood by me, so I sat on the counter. Then she sat by me, and any time I would say anything even remotely funny or charming she would laugh and put her hand on my leg and smile. Okay, huge chills pounded their way up and down my spine like the work of a road side chain gang. Thankfully, about an hour later my friend called me to head to the dance club and gave me a wonderful reason to escape. Sadly, I was a little too gone to drive so I basically ran out the door feeling deeply disturbed. I walked almost an hour to get there and basically went numb.

And then, this weekend I watched a movie, "My Sassy Girl". I couldn't help but stop, and think, where have I been, recently? I think it is time to finally do all those things I have always wanted to do, 100%.
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